Mean Machine

Danny ‘The Mean Machine’ Meehan Vinnie Jones is a retired footballer and former England captain who was banned for life for fixing an unspecified match against Germany. In the present day, after a long night of drinking, he tears along to a local bar and ends up pursued by the police. Inside, a breathalyser test triggers a violent outburst, and he is arrested. He is later convicted and sentenced to three years in Longmarsh prison.

Inside, Meehan’s celebrity status immediately clashes with the harsh reality of prison life. The guards beat him on arrival, and the prison governor leverages his fame to push Meehan into a grim arrangement: serve his sentence as the head coach of the wardens’ football team. Meehan refuses that role, choosing instead to train a team of fellow convicts to take on the wardens.

Meehan’s introduction to prison life is rough. He encounters wary cellmates—Raj, Jerome, and Trojan—and forms a cautious alliance with an elderly inmate, Doc, who teaches him how to endure behind bars. While cleaning the yards with Doc, Meehan crosses paths with Sykes, a respected gangster who exerts significant influence over the prison. Sykes’ aggression toward Meehan hints at a deeper grievance: he lost a large sum of money betting on the England game Meehan fixed. The tension deepens when, in the cafeteria, Meehan makes another ally, Massive, a fast-talking contraband dealer.

Massive and Meehan begin the recruitment drive for a convict football team, but the pool of players is hesitant. Sykes’ power and the lingering resentment toward Meehan as a cheat deter many from joining. A pivotal moment comes when Massive is playing football in a prison hallway; a racist guard assaults him, and Meehan intervenes to shield Massive, earning the respect of more inmates. The team begins to take shape with the addition of a violent, high-security inmate known as The Monk.

Meanwhile, the warden finds himself entangled with Barry the Bookie, an unlicensed bookmaker introduced to him by Sykes. To recover the debt, the warden bets on the prison guards’ team, hoping for a payday that could erase his troubles. The tension escalates when a psychotic inmate named Nitro accuses Meehan of being a snitch. Meehan is ambushed in the showers and threatened, but he refuses to reveal anything, earning the trust of Sykes and his entourage.

To secure a win, Sykes offers Meehan a bribe: his team’s success will wipe the slate clean. But Nitro, angry at a failed hit, schemes to have Meehan killed in exchange for a transfer to a lower security prison. Ratchett, a guard, approves the transfer, and Nitro crafts a bomb in his cell, placing it in Meehan’s locker. The plan is foiled when Doc arrives in his cell and is killed by the explosion, a blow that destabilizes the convicts’ momentum. Nitro is moved elsewhere—toward a mental health facility rather than a lighter-prison outcome.

The match finally begins soon after Doc’s death. At halftime, the inmates’ team leads 1–0, and the mood is buoyant—until the governor tries to force Meehan into throwing the game. He accuses Meehan of involvement in Doc’s murder and threatens a twenty-year sentence if Meehan does not throw. Meehan initially prioritizes self-preservation, playing poorly and faking injuries to be withdrawn from the pitch. Yet as the clock dwindles, he redeems himself. He nails a crucial square-ball to fellow inmate Billy the Limpet, securing a dramatic victory for the convicts.

The aftermath sees the Governor’s power wane as the Captain of the Guards, Burton, refuses to cooperate with the governor’s vengeance and instead congratulates Meehan on the win. In a dangerous counter-move, Sykes warns that both he and Barry the Bookie will retaliate if the governor presses his luck. The day ends with Meehan and Massive walking across the prison pitch in hard-won triumph, their team as much a symbol of defiance as of sport.

Last Updated: October 04, 2025 at 10:30