Stan Helsing

An underachieving employee at Schlockbuster who avoids involvement at all costs. He discovers he is a descendant of the legendary Van Helsing and is forced to confront a lineup of horror villains. Through quick thinking and improvised weapons, he grows into a reluctant hero who saves his friends and townspeople.

Stan's ex-girlfriend who reluctantly joins the trip to the owner's mother's home. She is practical and skeptical but loyal, providing grounded counterbalance to the group's bravado. Over the course of their misadventure, she reveals care for Stan and supports the effort to defeat the monsters.

A ditzy massage therapist who lightens tense moments with humor. She joins the road trip and provides pranks and run-of-the-mill bravado, while also showing moments of loyalty to her friends. She becomes part of the final plan to defeat the monsters.

Stan's energetic but impulsive friend who fills the group with energy and humor. He often acts as a comic foil, yet his bravado keeps the group moving when danger appears. He learns to back up decisions with teamwork rather than bravado alone.

The waitress encountered in the bar; she becomes a local face who illustrates the town's cheerful veneer that hides a dead past. She and the townsfolk reveal the town's tragedy, ten years earlier, through the monstrous events. Her fate underscores the danger the group faces.

A parody of the Chucky killer doll that stalks the group. The doll's obscene gestures are visible only to Stan and his friends, heightening the sense of absurd horror. It serves as one of the film's recurring monsters that the heroes must outsmart.

An altar boy who informs Stan of his destiny and arms the group with weapons. He acts as a catalyst for accepting Stan's Van Helsing lineage and sets the quest in motion.

One of the monster brides who joins the lineup of horror icons the group encounters. Her presence adds to the spoof of romantic horror tropes.

Another bride monster in the party of villains; she contributes to the film's monster chorus, adding to the parody's mix of fright and comedy.

A parody of the Cenobite Pinhead; he is part of the monsters Stan battles in the church and elsewhere.

A monster encountered in the town, contributing to the lineup of hyperbolic horror FX and spoofed menace.