I’m Dancing as Fast as I Can

Barbara Gordon appears to have it all—a thriving career in a male-dominated industry and a steady, live-in relationship with her partner, Derek Bauer. Beneath that polished surface lies a high-strung temperament and a dependence on sedatives to ease tension and keep up appearances for friends and colleagues. Her latest project centers on Jean Scott Martin and her husband Ben Martin, and how the couple copes as cancer progresses. Despite worries from collaborators, Barbara aims for a hopeful ending, showing the Martins embracing on a beach.

When she screens a rough cut, Jean Scott Martin is angered by the film’s gloss and vehemently objects to Barbara’s choices. The confrontation triggers a deep depression in Barbara, who leans on the aging therapy of Dan Hedaya’s portrayal of Dr. Kalman and increases her Valium to weather the crisis. Realizing Kalman’s treatment hasn’t helped and that her reliance on meds is spiraling, she attempts to quit cold turkey. That decision triggers a storm: Derek’s stubborn resistance to medical help, and his alcohol-fueled drive to control her, escalating into a brutal confrontation that ends with Barbara imprisoned—tied to a chair.

She manages to stall her husband with a ruse about dinner with friends Karen Mulligan and Sam Mulligan. The ruse buys time, and her screams for help reach Karen and Sam, who become aware of the danger. Barbara is institutionalized and begins a long, difficult road to recovery with the support of Julie Addison.

During this period, Jean Scott Martin visits and confesses that she may have overreacted to Barbara’s film, carrying guilt for the breakdown. This visit renews Barbara’s resolve to heal and finish the project on her own terms. With Jean’s blessing, she completes the film, including the beach finale she hoped to include. Although Jean Scott Martin dies before seeing the finished work, Barbara emerges with a strengthened sense of purpose and a belief that the ending would have pleased the patient who inspired it.

Last Updated: October 09, 2025 at 14:56