Dr. Mathilda West Mamie Van Doren arrives at Collins College as the anticipated new professor, a dazzling and formidable figure who reportedly holds 13 academic degrees and speaks 18 languages. Her remarkable credentials and magnetic presence quickly ripple through the campus, influencing everyone from the public relations director to the star athletes. The campus buzz centers on her impact, but also on the relationships around her: the public relations chief, George Barton Martin Milner, who is also the boyfriend of the jealous dean, Dr. Myrtle Carter Pamela Mason; and the football sensation Woo Woo Grabowski Norman Grabowski, who finds himself unsettled in the presence of attractive women, including student Jody Tuesday Weld.
On the edge of campus life, a quirky computer nicknamed Thinko begins to “see” futures—forecasting lottery numbers and even horse races—adding a strange, almost magical layer to the ordinary college routine. Into this mix steps Legs Raffertino Allan Drake, a hoodlum who arrives convinced that Thinko is a bookie rather than a machine with prophetic quirks, while foreign exchange student Suzanne Mijanou Bardot intently interviews Legs for her thesis, curious about the chaos he stirs.
The tangled web tightens when Barton reveals a surprising past for Dr. West: before her academic ascent, she was the stripper known as Tallahassee Tassel Tosser. The revelation unsettles the school’s biggest benefactor, Admiral Wildcat MacPherson Jackie Coogan, whose concern grows as West tries to defend herself. In a bold moment, she stages a tassel demonstration that hypnotizes several men, blending performance with a kind of social magic that neither fully condemns nor fully excuses.
Meanwhile, Woo Woo uses Thinko’s gambling tips to win enough money to propose to Jody and to dream of a new car, a practical payoff that clashes with the dean’s expectations and West’s complicated history. Myrtle Carter Pamela Mason responds by dyeing her hair blond and pursuing Wildcat MacPherson with renewed determination, adding a dash of glamour and rivalry to the campus drama.
As the personal and the professional collide, Dr. West contemplates leaving town to escape a past she never fully denies. But just as departure seems likely, Barton’s impulsive actions—stealing a fire engine—speed the plot toward a dramatic, comic chase, with the goal of catching up to the woman who unsettles every floor of Collins College. In the end, the story unspools with a blend of wit, romance, and a touch of high-stakes farce, leaving characters juggling ambition, desire, and loyalty as they navigate a world where intellect, reputation, and tassels can all twist in unexpected directions.
