Outer Touch

On a remote patch of Earth, a group of four humans stumble into an extraordinary encounter with alien visitors from Betelgeuse. Their ship, a malfunctioning cargo vessel, crash-lands nearby, instantly attracting the curiosity of Oliver, Barry Stokes, a mild-mannered professional, and his highly-strung fiancée, Prudence, Lynne Ross. Alongside them are Willy, Tony Maiden, a bumbling young shop assistant, and Cliff, Michael Rowlatt, a middle-aged man walking his dog. These four unwitting explorers wander into the alien ship, where they encounter its all-female crew composed of Partha, Cosia, and the ship’s captain known as Skipper, played by Kate Ferguson, Glory Annen, and Bill Mitchell respectively.

Their accidental intrusion sets off a chaotic chain of events. Willy, in his usual clumsy manner, drops some pornographic magazines he just purchased, alerting the aliens to their presence. Upon seeing Willy’s magazines, the aliens’ defenses are triggered—mistaking a herd of cows for hostile invaders—prompting them to hastily take off despite warnings from the ship’s computer about the ship’s fragile systems. As the ship departs in a state of panic, the humans follow and begin to learn more about their otherworldly visitors.

The aliens quickly study their unexpected guests in detail, finding themselves especially fascinated by the male anatomy. They hatch a bizarre plan to sell the males to a distant zoo, branding them as exotic life forms. The crew’s curiosity extends to Willy’s magazines, which sparks a peculiar interest in replicating some of the sexual acts depicted. In an odd twist, Partha (Ava Cadell) becomes eager to emulate Willy’s magazines and initiates sex with Cliff. However, Cliff soon regrets his decision as Partha’s insatiable appetite for sex leaves him exhausted and desperate to escape.

Meanwhile, the aliens subject the males to various tests designed to explore and understand their biological capabilities. Oliver and Cliff attempt to impress but fail miserably. Willy, in a fortunate turn, unknowingly excels when he beats Skipper in a combat simulation by simply avoiding her attacks. During a physical checkup, Cosia, the ship’s nurse, discovers Willy’s biology is unusually advanced, far beyond the aliens’ knowledge, prompting her to exaggerate Willy’s sexual abilities. This leads him to unexpectedly lose his virginity to Cosia, forever changing his identity.

Later, Willy surprises everyone by passing an intelligence test purely by chance and then engaging in sex with Partha, further solidifying his unexpected dominance. Throughout the story, Oliver seeks relationship advice from an artificial intelligence that resembles a Wurlitzer jukebox, which suggests a caveman approach to romance that shocks Prudence. Despite her initial shock, Prudence relaxes in a luxurious bedroom aboard the ship and has sex with Oliver.

Cliff tries to steer clear of Partha’s advances but ends up trapped in a mechanical device used for sexual activity, which causes him tremendous pain. The aliens, intrigued by Willy’s strong performance both physically and intellectually, decide to bring him back to their planet, proposing to leave the others behind. Willy, hesitant at first, agrees when Skipper offers him a chance to seduce her, intending to validate the aliens’ findings about Willy’s supposed capabilities.

As the ship returns to space with Willy onboard, it finally touches down on an alien world. The adventure takes a tragic turn when the ship’s launch overloads catastrophically during departure, resulting in a deadly explosion that kills Willy and the entire alien crew. The disembodied voices of the ship’s computer and the Wurlitzer continue to echo into space, stranded and alone, highlighting the unpredictable chaos and bizarre humor of this intergalactic encounter.

“The universe is full of surprises,” the ship’s computer intones softly as the wreckage drifts away, leaving behind a story of curiosity, misadventure, and the strange collision of human and alien worlds.

Last Updated: August 19, 2025 at 05:16