I’ll Never Heil Again

In the Kingdom of Moronika, King Herman has been toppled, leaving a fragile balance of power under the iron rule of a fascist dictator, Moe Heilstone. Against this backdrop, a trio of scheming would-be saviors—war profiteers Ixnay, Amscray, and Umpchay—plot to snatch back the throne for Herman’s daughter, Princess Gilda. The young princess steps into the shadowy corridors of power with a careful, almost surgical plan: undermine the dictator from within, outsmart his inner circle, and restore the rightful monarch to his throne. To this end, she engages in political maneuvering and clever misdirection, using information as her weapon and the Stooges as her unwitting instruments.

The regime’s grip on Moronika is shown through a string of farcical vignettes that blend satire with slapstick. A Turkey War, a ludicrous melee that ends with Napoleon’s portrait triumphantly clutching the fowl, underscores Hailstone’s relentless appetite for dominance and spectacle. The satire lightly masks a deeper instability, as Gilda’s machinations begin to fray the loyalties of those closest to the tyrant. With a telescope in hand, she exposes the Stooges to a chilling vision: a staged Hell where the regime’s enemies are said to be punished, a stunt meant to harden Hailstone’s paranoia and tighten his grip on power.

Gilda orchestrates a calculated cascade of events designed to sow distrust among Hailstone’s most trusted partners—the Axel group. The plan pulls in a colorful cast of characters, including the parody of Mussolini’s entourage, the Bey of Rum, and representatives from distant lands like Russia and Japan, all of whom become pawns in the larger game. The Stooges watch, through Gilda’s strategic lens, as discord grows among these allies; threats loom not just from outside, but from within the regime itself. When Hailstone confronts his partners on the carpet, his sense of betrayed certainty widens, and his suspicions threaten to topple everything he has built.

The climax arrives at a pivotal meeting of the Axel partners, where Hailstone’s hold on his regime is finally challenged. The scene intensifies as the power struggle reaches a fever pitch: a globe—an object of their quarrel and a symbol of the world they seek to control—becomes a focal point of defiance. When a key figure named Herring refuses to surrender it, chaos erupts. He even shatters the globe over Hailstone’s head, an act that epitomizes the collapse of command and the brittle nature of the regime.

In the aftermath, Field Marshal Herring’s disenchantment with autocratic rule culminates in a decisive, symbolic blow: detonating the explosive Number 13 pool ball, the device that had threaded through the entire intrigue. The blast marks the end of the tyrant’s era and heralds the restoration of King Herman to the throne, signaling a return to legitimacy and order. As a final, darkly comic touch, the severed, taxidermied heads of the trio are repurposed as hunting trophies—grim trophies of their downfall and a stark reminder of the consequences of unchecked ambition.

Across this story, the central figures carry weight beyond their antics. Moe Heilstone embodies the despotic rule at the heart of the kingdom, while Curly Gallstone and Larry Pebble lend their distinctive codes of mischief and failure to the plot’s relentless momentum. King’s Aide and the other supporting players contribute to the satire, turning political theater into a playground of chaos and plan. Princess Gilda’s intricate schemes, anchored by her resolve to restore her father, provide the emotional throughline amid the chaos and caper.

Ultimately, the tale is a portrait of power—how it is exercised, challenged, and finally dismantled by cleverness, camaraderie, and a willingness to upset the status quo. It balances political satire with slapstick narrative, delivering a long, winding arc that remains faithful to its roots while inviting readers to enjoy the wit and whimsy of a kingdom where rulers are toppled, plans explode, and a throne is reclaimed not by might alone, but by strategy, courage, and a touch of audacious luck.

Last Updated: October 09, 2025 at 10:52