Up the Chastity Belt

Eleanor of Aquitaine gives birth to twin sons, Lurkalot and Richard. The nobles abduct Lurkalot and abandon him in a forest to die. He is found and raised by a pig-loving family who belong to Sir Coward de Custard, who takes him in as a serf.

Lurkalot is visited by strange voices that try to tell him who he really is, but their messages are drowned out by events like lightning. He grows up in the village, aiding his master by selling love potions and chastity belts as well as some unusual inventions. The voices hint at destiny, but the world keeps him busy with everyday tasks.

All grown up, Richard is bored of ruling England and decides to go on a crusade. Lurkalot remains with Sir Coward, living a double life away from the limelight. This setup foreshadows a clash of destinies between the twins.

Sir Braggart de Bombast challenges Coward by offering his lands and daughter; Coward refuses to toast Prince John but hosts a banquet to avoid offense. Braggart declares a duel and Lurkalot, though not a knight, steps in as the 'Man with no name' and defeats Braggart's champion Sir Grumbell de Grunt with the aid of a giant magnet. The victory triggers further conflict as chivalry rules are not met.

Because the duel does not meet the rules of chivalry, Braggart voids it and declares war. Lurkalot and Lady Lobelia flee to Coward's workshop, where she is locked up with a chastity belt to protect her. The stage is set for a turbulent confrontation.

Sir Coward answers the call to crusades and flees the English scene. Lurkalot, encouraged by the spirits that visit him, sets out to find both Coward and Richard the Lionheart. The quest pulls him toward the Holy Land and toward revelations about his own identity.

In the Holy Land, the so-called crusades prove to be a Bacchanalian orgy, an excuse for men to leave their families behind. Saladin appears as a friend to a crusader, and the whole enterprise becomes a web of deception and indulgence. Richard resists leaving the Holy Land only to pursue erotic adventures with Scheherazade.

Lurkalot recycles unused weaponry into chastity belts under the inspiration of his whispering voices. He brings feminism to Saladin's women, who go on strike and challenge the status quo. The upheaval disrupts the crusading mission, forcing Richard to consider returning home.

In Germany, Richard meets a local woman and decides to stay with her. He casually tosses Lurkalot the crown, suggesting Lurkalot could be him. Lurkalot returns home to rally the people but is recognized as Lurkalot and accused of witchcraft after his earlier escape using a flying machine.

Lurkalot is ducked and sentenced to death by burning, but Robin Hood rescues him from the firing squad. They plan an attack on Braggart and are joined by Sir Coward, who is inspired to fight back. The alliance strengthens as the confrontation with Braggart approaches.

Sir Braggart duels Lurkalot and reveals that he must be Richard's twin brother. The duel rages across the castle until Braggart is defeated and flees in disgrace. Richard resumes governance and prepares to marry Lady Lobelia, while Lurkalot is honored as a knight.

Richard resumes rule and agrees to marry Lady Lobelia, while Lurkalot is knighted and granted Lobelia's hand. However, Lurkalot ends up with Lady Lobelia, and Richard returns to Scheherazade, leaving the realm in a new balance.