Up the Chastity Belt

Raised by a pig-owning family after being abandoned by Sir Braggart, Lurkalot becomes a clever, resourceful schemer who sells love potions, chastity belts, and odd inventions to survive in a world of bumbling nobles. He is haunted by mysterious voices that nudge him toward his true identity and destiny. His wit and improvisation help him navigate duels and political schemes, while his unassuming nature belies a surprising impact.

The English king who is bored with rule and yearns for a crusade. His adventures in the Holy Land mingle romance, scheming, and a bizarre pursuit of physical experiences with Scheherazade, blurring the line between kingly duty and libertine whim. His return to England is entangled with family and political drama.

A not-so-successful noble who takes Lurkalot in as a serf and battles withdrawal symptoms when forced by circumstances to seek remedies. He is more concerned with his lands, daughter Lobelia, and his own comfort than with honor. His escapades drive much of the farce and set up the climactic battles.

Daughter of Sir Coward and prize sought by Braggart, Lobelia is a pivotal figure who becomes part of the court intrigue and romantic intrigues. She finds herself caught between power plays and Lurkalot’s strange charisma, eventually facing a choice about love and allegiance.

The unscrupulous noble who aims to seize Sir Coward’s lands and Lobelia, challenging Coward to a duel to gain his prize. He embodies arrogance and bluster, and his schemes catalyze the war and eventual downfall.

Braggart’s formidable champion, defeated by Lurkalot’s clever use of a magnet and wit. His presence heightens the mock-heroic tone of the battles and the satire of knightly prowess.

A benefactor in the siege who rescues Lurkalot from danger and helps mount an assault against Braggart. His role blends mythic folk-hero vibes with a comedic, pragmatic edge.

A mysterious influence in Richard’s life who visits the Holy Land and shares intimate and exotic conversations. She is linked to Richard’s sexual escapades and the Kama Sutra-inspired pursuits that punctuate the journey.

A powerful cleric figure who grounds or complicates political plots, lending a further layer of satire to the period’s religious and political dynamics.