The film opens with a humorous take on The Da Vinci Code. Lucy, portrayed by Jayma Mays, discovers that her adopted father, a museum curator played by David Carradine, has fallen victim to an attack by Silas, depicted by Kevin Hart. In his final moments, he leaves her cryptic clues that lead to a "Golden Ticket" hidden in a candy bar from a vending machine. Meanwhile, Edward, played by Kal Penn, resides at a Mexican monastery where he is abruptly ejected by Ignacio (Jareb Dauplaise) due to his dissatisfaction with the living conditions. In a scramble, he manages to snag a Monk's "Golden Ticket" as he is thrown out the window.
The narrative shifts to introduce Susan (Faune Chambers), who is en route to Namibia to meet her new adoptive parents. Chaos ensues on her flight as snakes mysteriously invade the plane. Samuel L. Jackson, in a guest appearance as James Walker, Sr., emphatically exclaims, > “I have had it with these God damn snakes on this God damn plane!” and takes drastic action, throwing Susan from the plane for her safety. She serendipitously lands on socialite Paris Hilton, discovering a "Golden Ticket" lodged in her purse.
Next, we meet Peter (Adam Campbell), who is not your ordinary teenager; he is a mutant with aspirations of taking Mystique (Carmen Electra) to the homecoming dance. However, he faces bullying from her boyfriend, Wolverine (Vince Vieluf), and the intimidating Headmaster, Magneto (Jim Piddock). During a tense moment when Magneto uses his powers to open a locker door, Peter inadvertently receives another student's "Golden Ticket" that falls onto his chest.
The four protagonists converge at Willy's Chocolate Factory, where Willy (Crispin Glover) reveals his chilling plan to use them as the 'special ingredient' in his creations — actual human parts. In a desperate bid for survival, Lucy discovers a wardrobe that leads her into a mystical and perilous wintery realm known as Gnarnia, where she meets Mr. Tumnus (Héctor Jiménez). Mr. Tumnus, with a spirit of compassion, guides Lucy about the lurking dangers ahead.
Edward follows Lucy into Gnarnia and encounters the White Bitch, a character brought to life by Jennifer Coolidge, who seduces him into betraying the other orphans by luring him with deceitful promises of power if he helps her ensnare them in her sinister plot. The orphans gradually uncover a shocking truth: they are siblings, all of whom suffered the loss of their parents at the hands of the White Bitch, leading them to ally with Harry Beaver (Katt Williams), Mr. Tumnus' partner.
In the midst of these proceedings, Peter is haunted by a dream where he assumes the mantle of Superman, only to suffer a violent fate. Seeking to aid their quest, he stumbles upon a graying Harry Potter (Kevin McDonald), a balding Ron Weasley (George Alvarez), and a heavily pregnant Hermione Granger (Crista Flanagan) from Hogwarts, who impart vital training for the impending battle against the White Bitch.
As the narrative unfolds, a devious plan involving a magical crystal surfaces — the White Bitch intends to create a new continent for her followers, echoing plots from previous films like Superman Returns. Edward's escape from captivity, cleverly orchestrated by Captain Jack Swallows, ultimately reveals itself as a cunning trick designed to extract essential information from him.
After a series of rollercoaster events, the four young heroes prepare for war. They engage Aslo (Fred Willard), who reluctantly agrees to assist them for a rather dubious favor. Clashes ensue leading to Aslo's tragic demise owing to the White Bitch's treachery. The team's morale declines, culminating in a chaotic party where Peter and Mystique find solace in each other's arms amid Susan's unceremonious drunken mishaps, resulting in a disheartening turn for their makeshift army.
In a climactic sequence, Peter, on the brink of defeat, discovers a mystical remote from the film Click (2006), unlocking its ability to alter reality. The siblings triumph over the White Bitch and her army, insisting on a fair trial for her instead of cold vengeance. Just as justice seems assured, an ironic twist sees the villainous figure in a peculiar predicament involving Jack's wheel.
Decades later, we find the four as elderly rulers, only to experience a moment of youthful reflection as they unwittingly navigate back to their resumed lives, epitomizing a tale rife with adventure, sacrifice, and unintended hilarity. Their legacy culminates in a surreal finality, with Borat emerging to congratulate them on their heroic journey, just before being crushed by Jack’s wheel, sealing the surreal nature of this comedic escapade.
