In 1837 London, Admiral Cuthbert Collingwood [Mike Cooper] informs Queen Victoria [Imelda Staunton] that the Royal Navy has defeated France, Russia, Portugal, China, and Wales, leading her to believe the fleet now rules the world’s oceans. Yet Collingwood warns that pirates still threaten the seas, a menace the Queen vows to eradicate.
The Pirate Captain [Hugh Grant], a bold but imperfect pirate, leads a rough-and-tumble crew of amateurs who dream of making their mark on the high seas. To prove himself, he enters the grand Pirate of the Year contest, a race to plunder the most ships. He faces swift ridicule from rivals such as Black Bellamy [Jeremy Piven], Cutlass Liz [Salma Hayek Pinault], and Peg Leg Hastings [Lenny Henry], who are far more successful in the pirate game. Undeterred, the Captain presses on, buoyed by the loyalty of his loyal first mate, the Pirate with a Scarf [Martin Freeman].
After a string of failed raids on mundane targets, the Captain contemplates giving up piracy and selling baby clothes instead. But the sight of the next ship—a vessel that will change everything—leads them to board the Beagle, where they stumble upon Charles Darwin [David Tennant] and a priceless pet: Polly, the last living dodo. Darwin recognizes Polly and pleads with the Captain to enter her into the Scientist of the Year competition at the Royal Academy in London, believing a win could earn him fame and, perhaps, the affection of Queen Victoria. The Captain agrees, assuming the prize is money, and the crew heads toward London, despite warnings that Victoria harbors a deep dislike of pirates.
Darwin, staying at the Captain’s lodgings, schemes to kidnap Polly with the help of his trained chimpanzee, Mr. Bobo. Darwin hopes to win the Scientist prize to impress the Queen, hoping to gain her favor. The Pirate with a Scarf witnesses the attempted theft, frustration mounting as the plan falls apart. With Polly now in central focus, the Captain insists on safeguarding the bird and enters the competition for himself. Darwin longs for the glory Polly’s display could bring, while the Captain aims to keep his shipmates in the running—and in good spirits.
The display of Polly at the Royal Academy draws the top prize, but the reward turns out to be a tiny trophy, a trove of encyclopedias, and a meeting with Queen Victoria. The Queen requests Polly be placed in her petting zoo, but the Captain refuses and, in the heat of the moment, his true identity is revealed. Facing imminent execution, Charles reveals Polly’s location and how it’s been hidden—leading Victoria to pardon the Captain and command Charles to retrieve Polly by any means necessary.
Charles and Mr. Bobo intensify their chase, eventually intoxicating the Captain at a tavern and attempting another kidnapping. The Captain finally confesses that Polly has been hidden in his beard. Darwin and Mr. Bobo succeed in capturing Polly, and they race to the Tower of London, where the Queen awaits. After a perilous pursuit, she traps them in a trapdoor and offers the Captain a treasure-rich pardon if he hands Polly over. He accepts and returns to his crew with Polly supposedly sleeping in his beard, while the Pirate with a Scarf doubts the Captain’s tale.
At the Pirate of the Year ceremony, the Captain wins the grand prize from the Pirate King [Brian Blessed], only for rival Black Bellamy to expose Victoria’s pardon as a public affair and reveal that the Captain’s license to pirate is nullified. The Captain is exiled from Blood Island, and his crew abandons him when they learn Polly has been sacrificed to the Queen’s appetite for power.
Desperate to restore his reputation, the Captain attempts a new life knitting and selling baby clothes in London, but soon learns Polly is not in the petting zoo after all. A devastated Darwin discovers that Victoria is part of a secret supper club aboard her steamship, the QV1, where Polly and other endangered animals are slated to be served. The Captain and Darwin steal an airship and set out to rescue Polly, joined by Mr. Bobo as the chase escalates.
Aboard the QV1, the Captain and Darwin disrupt the banquet, aided by the Captain’s revived crew who answer the call. Victoria confronts them, justifying her hatred of pirates, and the battle erupts. In a chaotic clash, baking powder and vinegar explode, tearing the ship apart. Victoria’s escape attempt with Polly is thwarted when Polly fights back, allowing the Captain to seize the moment and rescue the bird. With Victoria’s power waning and Polly safe, the Captain’s reputation among pirates is restored, and he resumes a life of bold adventure with his loyal companions, including Mr. Bobo.
Darwin, now free to pursue his own path, remains in the Galapagos with a new partner, while the Captain roams the seas once more, now celebrated as a legendary pirate with a gift for unpredictable triumphs. The Queen’s capture of the animals she once protected becomes an emblem of the dangers of power, and Victoria herself faces a reckoning that echoes the film’s satirical bite: a reminder that even empires can be undone by their own appetites.
