I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle

A motorbike gang kills an occultist with a crossbow during a satanic ritual. One of the motorcycles is damaged in the ritual, and an evil spirit inhabits that bike. Noddy Noddy is then seen purchasing the bike from a dealer, but lies to his girlfriend, Kim about the price. He brings it home and starts fixing the damage alongside his friend, Buzzer Buzzer, and Kim. They replace the fuel tank, but when Buzzer steals the petrol cap, the bike kills him with a decapitation.

When Noddy goes to the scene of his friend’s death, he meets an Inspector who smells like garlic. That night, Noddy experiences a series of vivid nightmares about Buzzer. The next day, Noddy and Kim go to a pub. Ten members of the motorbike gang from the opening scene stroll into the bar, and one biker shoots the building with a crossbow. Kim is attacked by a biker after declining his advances, triggering a bar-wide brawl between the motorbike gang, Kim, and Noddy. In the chaos, Noddy is shot by a crossbow bolt.

The trio orders Chinese food, and when Kim asks for garlic prawns, the bike rides off with her. It returns to court her under a bridge, where it flings her aside and pursues her again. The moment it notices a crucifix around her neck, the bike heads back to the pub, where a gang leader tries to steal the cross. The bike drives the leader into some graffiti artists with a sharp spike, and then decapitates most of the gang, leaving only Roach Roach alive.

Noddy discovers Kim has been taken to the hospital. When he reaches her, she is barely present, recounting the bike’s advances to the Inspector. Noddy and a priest who also owns a motorcycle decide to investigate the bike further. They head to the garage where Noddy’s bike is kept, and at first the priest does not believe him. The bike, reluctant to enter the daylight, uses its brake lever to sever the priest’s fingers. It becomes clear that the bike is a vampire, and the priest resolves to perform an exorcism. He gives Kim a crucifix and garlic, convinced the bike will return for her. Before they begin, he mutters a quick, defiant line:

Right, let’s go kick some bottom!

The vampire bike telepathically disables the pair’s motorcycle, so they hitch a ride by taxi—though they end up waiting for a bus instead. The stakes rise as night approaches, a race against the sun to trap the demon bike before it roams freely again. Supernatural events swirl around Noddy and the priest during the exorcism, and when the priest sprinkles the bike with holy water, the creature grows spikes and glows a threatening red.

Noddy steals a police motorcycle, dragging the officer along as the bike darts away, pursued by a police car while the priest tries to explain the situation. Kim is washed and her garlic is removed, but the bike still aims for the hospital to claim Kim. She uses her crucifix to scare the vampire bike away, sending it after Roach, as the priest and inspector hurry through the hospital corridor. Roach crashes into a coffin after fleeing.

The bike then targets Noddy, but its front wheel gets stuck on a bridge, giving Noddy the chance to hurl it into a river and spit at the bike. Believing he’s safe, Noddy lights a victory cigarette, only to realize the bike glows red underwater. Panicked, he ducks into a gym to hide, but the bike dives in after him, attacking the patrons with its spikes. Noddy fights back, and the bike feigns death, only to begin tossing limbs into the air once more. The inspector’s garlic scent seems to disrupt the demon, and Noddy finally moves to trap the bike in a sunlit area. Together, they push the creature into the light, where it melts away.

In the aftermath, Kim asks how much Noddy actually spent on the bike. The priest quips that they’re usually reliable enough. Back in Noddy’s workshop, a final misfortune occurs when Noddy cuts his hand; his blood drips onto the old fuel tank, and the tank suddenly springs open, implying that the danger might not be entirely over.

Last Updated: October 09, 2025 at 15:06