Vampires Suck

Becca Crane, portrayed by Jenn Proske, relocates to the quirky town of Sporks to live with her oblivious father, Sheriff Frank, played by Diedrich Bader, after her mother begins an affair with the famous golfer Tiger Woods. As she settles into her new life, Becca soon finds herself caught up in a series of bizarre murders that have left the community on edge, with the culprits being blamed on Canadians. However, the true culprits are a group of vampires who, quite comically, are often mistaken for the Black Eyed Peas. This humor is highlighted in a memorable scene where a fisherman fearfully identifies them as the band, eliciting a pained response from one of the vampires.

As Becca navigates her new high school, she quickly makes friends, including Jennifer, played by Anneliese Van Der Pol, though she is particularly fascinated by the enigmatic Edward Sullen, portrayed by Matt Lanter. The chemistry between Becca and Edward is palpable, even as he expresses his discomfort with her tuna-like scent during biology class. One fateful day, when Becca narrowly escapes being hit by a van in the school parking lot, Edward displays his mysterious powers by saving her in a shocking manner—by pushing another student into harm’s way while remaining unscathed himself.

After much investigation, Becca confidently theorizes about Edward’s true nature, mistakenly believing he is a Jonas Brother. Edward corrects her revelation, admitting that he is indeed a vampire who only drinks animal blood (and enjoys the Real Housewives of Atlanta), while also showcasing his dazzling accessories. As the pair fall for each other, Edward introduces Becca to his vampire family during a birthday celebration. In a gripping twist, a simple paper cut leads to a life-threatening frenzy when one of the vampires, Jeremiah, lunges at her. Edward’s protective instincts kick in as he defends Becca, solidifying their deepening bond.

In the aftermath of a dramatic encounter with fellow vampires, Edward realizes the inherent danger he poses to Becca and chooses to break up with her in a heart-wrenching moment, leaving her devastated. Despite her grief, Becca embraces dangerous activities in hopes of rekindling Edward’s ghostly image in her mind, while finding solace in her childhood friend Jacob White, played by Christopher N. Riggi. During an intense confrontation with the nomadic vampires, Jacob taps into his werewolf abilities to rescue her.

Meanwhile, Edward, attempting to cope with his heartbreak, has relocated to Rio de Janeiro and is now involved with Lady Gaga. His emotional turmoil escalates when he learns from his prophetic sister that Becca is contemplating suicide. In an act of defiance against his own existence, Edward decides to reveal himself at the upcoming school prom, hoping to provoke the powerful vampire coven known as the Zolturi into killing him. As he prepares for this ultimate sacrifice, Edward’s sister warns Becca that she needs to show him she is still alive.

Arriving at the prom, Becca maneuvers through the chaotic fan-girl rivalry between Edward’s and Jacob’s admirers, desperately trying to reach Edward before he can expose himself. Just as the atmosphere becomes electric with tension, twilight creates a magical cover, allowing Becca to save Edward from the Zolturi’s wrath. However, in a climactic turn, Edward must decide between saving Becca’s life by transforming her into a vampire or facing a grim fate. In a moment of romantic commitment, he proposes marriage before granting her the gift of immortality.

The film culminates with a slapstick encounter when Edward is struck by an overzealous Jacob fan-girl, who bellows “Team Jacob, b***h!” Although the blow leaves him dazed, Becca, now a vampire, turns the tables, signaling a new chapter in their chaotic love story.

Last Updated: October 27, 2024 at 18:06