The film opens with the strains of "Why Can't I Touch It" by Buzzcocks as the camera sweeps across a quiet rural landscape and rests on a hilltop. An open-ended truck rolls into view bearing a young man lying on a pile of turnips. This is Pondo Sinatra [Matthew Causey], the star of the story, a 22-year-old virgin burdened with raging hormones, no sex appeal or social skills. He is on his way to his first day at college, hopeful yet uneasy about what awaits him in a world of flirtation and possibility.
On campus, the good-looking and popular Studley [Timothy Carhart] soon takes him under his wing and tries to teach him the ways of seduction, but Pondo's increasingly bizarre schemes fail spectacularly, even at the local whore house. The contrast between Studley’s confidence and Pondo’s awkwardness sets the stage for a comedy of errors that blends cringe with sympathy, as friends and strangers alike watch the attempts spiral into more and more outlandish misfires.
Desperate to break what seems like a curse, Pondo slides into suicidal depression, and it is at this low point that the college's wise janitor Elbow [Jerry Jones] steps in with patient guidance and a sense that there might be more to life than chasing approval or conquest. Elbow’s counsel grounds the film’s chaos in a quieter, human perspective, offering understanding rather than judgment.
Pondo’s misadventures multiply: a tentative attempt at poetic seduction is broadcast to Natasha via a remote microphone with Studley narrating every line; he heads to buy new clothes only to wander into a Punk store and emerge looking like Quasimodo; he toys with drugs in a manner that verges on lethal excess; and he activates the world’s biggest vibrator, the Moby-M5, whose eruption of noises and spectacle becomes a farcical emblem of everything spiraling out of control. The Moby-M5 episode also creates a quirky set piece where two porn store employees discuss strategic arms limitation treaties, using various dildos as props to illustrate their banter and debate.
After one of these dating debacles, Pondo frightens Studley by shouting, “I’d sell my soul for a piece of ass!” Miranda [Susanne Ashley], a mysterious girl with supernatural powers who has been quietly observing Pondo’s struggles for some time, hears his cry and acknowledges it in a cryptic, almost ethereal way. This encounter deepens the sense that his fate may be tied to something larger than ordinary lust or failure.
Not long after, Pondo inadvertently creates a chemical compound that makes him irresistible to women. At first he revels in his new “party animal” power, reveling in the attention and the sudden influx of affection, but the thrill soon turns exhausting and terrifying. He barricades himself in his room to escape the crowds, feeling trapped by a phenomenon he cannot control.
“I have been greedy,” he confesses later to Studley, “I am like King Midas; everything I touch turns to poontang!” The film closes with a blend of tragic comedy and a metaphysical twist about the fate of those who yield to unbridled lust, leaving the audience to ponder the consequences of desire, fame, and the vulnerabilities that accompany an insatiable hunger for attention.
